Wednesday, October 12, 2016

  • without a firm self-identity, we don't know what to believe, where to go, what to do
  • in adulthood, it is crucial to know who is truly important and who is not
  • the mature adult will accept the reality that his or her random birth into an unloving family was simply a stroke a bad luck and move on, without seeking revenge or compensation
  • in reality, there is no one to come in and clean up the family mess, the longer we we remain home, the less able we will be able to begin life anew
  • every day spent trapped in a unloving family erodes our confidence in ourselves
  • after many years of waiting for the miracle that never happens, we may become too convinced of our own weakness to even try to escape
  • pull away from from those we complain about and involve ourselves with more satisfying relationships with healthier others
  • the ultimate reason to the question of why were were rejected, undernurtured, or punished unfairly is simply bad luck---the same bad luck that allows innocent people to be maimed or killed by drunk drivers every year
  • when you are ready to leave home, you must be able to tolerate the reality that your parents will never accept who you really are
  • the temptation to try to explain yourself to your parents must be avoided, since imbedded within your efforts lies that false assumption that they are able to respond to logic and reason
  • go where you are wanted and do what works
  • don't go where you are not appreciated and try to force others to love you, often without success at all
  • don't try to explain to your jailer
  • the very act of going back to members of our family to tell them how bad they were/are is a statement of their continuing importance to us
  • don't complain about your emotionally impoverished history to your parents, because they will never validate your perspective of your childhood
  • don't overburden others with unmet needs
  • healthy individuals are not interested in rescuing desperate peers, nor do they feel guilty about leaving or avoiding excessively demanding acquaintances
  • seek out and embrace healthy others and allow them to help us mature in the context of mutually rewarding relationships
  • seek out these healthy others and participate in groups of people that are bonded to one another by mutual interests
  • build a network of long-term give-and-take relationships with concerned others
  • human beings simply can't develop into mature adults without the love and support of people around them; love here means those who appreciate, enjoy, support, and show interests in others
  • assess your talents and interests in topics, issues, or movements that are larger than yourself, then join a "special interest" group that shares those interests and requires nothing more than enthusiasm from you
  • check the magazines you like to read to find your interest
  • interests group can serve as a relational foundation that supports the individual during his or her exploration of the larger world
  • the more interpersonal networks one has, the better and richer life will be 
  • emotionally appropriate response to the care of an elderly parent should be based on the type of childhood that your parent provided for you as a child
  • parents who were sadistic or malicious toward you during childhood are obviously not deserving of special care
  • parents who were inattentive and incompetent, rather than actively malicious, deserve greater consideration
  • emotionally deprived adults who mistakenly view the situation of taking care of elderly parents as an opportunity to get the closeness that they were deprived of in childhood are usually disappointed with the results
  • the self-centered parent who failed to nurture their child often becomes a more demanding, insistent, and guilt-producing elder 
leaving home, the art of separating from your difficult family

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